Tomorrow I’m getting maternity pictures taken. I’ve been looking forward to this for weeks, but I’ve also put off any planning related to it. I still have no idea what I’m going to wear, or how I’m going to do my hair, or even where we’re going to get he photos done. And it’s making me anxious.
And now it’s nearly 1 am, and I feel the anxiety in my chest and the babies aren’t moving, and I can. Not. Handle it.
So I pray that they’re okay and wonder how long I can try to wake them before telling K we need to go to labor and delivery, and then I poke a prod and play music and shine flashlights until finally I feel a flutter. And then a kick. And then one of my little lumps comes out and pressed into the palm of my hand. But I can’t let my breath out yet. Not until I know they’re both okay. So I keep poking and the lump pokes back, and so does another lump, and I keep poking until I’m sure the two lumps aren’t connected. And then both lumps push their little backs against my skin and for the first time in a long time I know exactly where they are, and I place a hand on each of them and breathe a sigh of relief.
I keep playing the music and let myself calm down, but I hope the babies don’t. Not for a little while longer. If I could fall asleep to the lullaby of Snow Patrol and baby feet, that would be heavenly.
And I don’t really care what I wear tomorrow. I just want these babies to stay alive. I just want to know I’m not tempting fate. And that I’m not selfish for wanting beautiful pictures when our family has been through so much ugly. And that my family pictures can still be beautiful even if they aren’t perfect–even if someone is always missing. Because it’s my family and no one else’s, and that makes them perfect. And that it’s okay to smile about these boys even though I miss Liam. That celebrating the good things doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten the bad. Or that Liam is any less important to us. I just need to know that’s all okay. And I need my babies to kick a little longer until my heart tires out of this anxiety and sleep comes.