I can’t describe how happy it makes me to feel the babies move. I just spent some time with a friend who has five month old twin boys and being around them made this all feel so much more real. While she thought she was scaring me, I was really just getting giddy with excitement at the thought of my own two boys. Read More
Archives for February 2016
My thoughts just before going in for our 17 week appointment, when we would pass our loss milestone.
It’s a strange thing to realize that I am now again at the point in my pregnancy that I thought I’d be experiencing almost 11 months ago. I kind of hate it when my brain tries to “simplify” things. It tries to do math like, “17 weeks = 17 weeks. Read More
Today was a big appointment for us for a few reasons. It was our first check for Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome (TTTS), it was the first time we got to see measurements or anatomy or even a detailed scan at a doctor’s office since 9 weeks, and it was the 16 week appointment–the last appointment we saw Liam alive. I was super nervous this morning. Most weeks as we’re driving to our appointments it occurs to me, “Am I prepared for today to be the day that we receive that bad news?”
Today was my due date. If I’d been allowed to keep my second pregnancy we’d probably be holding a baby right now. I imagined we’d have a girl, and I tried to convince Kam that her middle name should be Valeri since she would be due close to Valentine’s Day.
Those imaginings only got to last a few days. We lost that pregnancy almost right when it started. It might seem like I shouldn’t be bothered by a missed due date now that the twins are on the way. And having the twins helps. But you just don’t forget what you thought might have been. I remember my friends who were due around the same time who either now have their babies or are about to have them any day. I had thought that would be me, too.
It doesn’t sting as much with the twins on the way. I know that if our second pregnancy had lasted, I wouldn’t be here, carrying my twins right now. And I wouldn’t give that up. But there’s always part of you wishing you didn’t have to give one thing up to have the other. That it didn’t come down to that.
It’s different from missing Liam’s due date, too. I had imaginings for my second pregnancy, but I never really felt like I got to know someone to miss. It was heartbreaking and frustrating and scary. But the longing wasn’t the same. I don’t think it really had to do with the length of the pregnancy so much as just motherly intuition. When Liam was gone, I felt like I got to know him. When my second pregnancy was gone, I didn’t get that feeling. And that was a new kind of hard.
Today is not so bad. Kam and I are going dancing for Valentine’s Day. My twins are here. There are good things. But I just felt that I had to say that I didn’t forget. Today was my due date, and I could never forget that.
20 The children which thou shalt have, after thou hast lost the other, shall say again in thine ears, The place is too strait for me: give place to me that I may dwell.
21 Then shalt thou say in thine heart, Who hath begotten me these, seeing I have lost my children, and am desolate, a captive, and removing to and fro? and who hath brought up these? Behold, I was left alone; these, where had they been?
– Isaiah 49:20-21
Lately, I’ve been starting to feel a little better physically. Morning sickness hits less often, and even my food aversions are starting to let up. I have been getting a little more energy during the day even though I’m starting to waddle. And the babies are looking chunkier and less alien like at every scan. Second trimester has its perks.
But I am literally sick and tired of grief.
Today as I was looking through some old blog posts I realized it’s been 302 days since we lost Liam. I don’t know how it’s been that long.
Most days I feel fine. I was telling my mom recently that all of my worry right now is completely focused on making sure the twins make it to us safe. Read More
incredibly long story fifteen minute read of how we found out we’re having twins
I’ve been working on this post for over a week now, and just writing it down has helped me manage this last week’s emotions. Every week after our appointments I go through a cycle of highs and lows. My weekly scans give me hope that maybe everything will actually turn out okay this time, and I start to get a little more excited. But as the days pass I find myself worrying every so often until by the time Tuesday morning comes around the worries have piled up to dread. I’m half convinced today will be that day. The day we get the bad news. And then it isn’t. And I thank God for that. And then I start getting excited about little things like cribs and strollers again until the next cycle starts. It’s exhausting.
But there’s one thing that reassures me, if I can just remember and focus on it. It’s just a feeling–call it inspiration, or revelation, or mother’s intuition–that something good is coming.