Here’s something I don’t often admit.
Not all of the grief is about Liam.
I miss him to pieces. His absence is my deepest scar. Everything I am now is influenced by who he is. For months I thought the quotes about carrying your baby in your heart were just a cliché, until I realized how much Liam had become a part of who I am, and that means I am carrying him with me.
And for that reason, most of the time I’m okay. I still break down every once in a while, but mostly, I’m okay. I miss him, but he’s safe, and he exists, and he’s mine, and those are all good things, so I can be okay as long as I know that. That doesn’t mean I’ll forget about him and move on. I never could and I never will forget him, and I would never move anywhere without taking him with me. But I move on, as I carry him with me, and I’m okay.
The freshest grief comes from a series of smaller tragedies. Questions with even more unknowns than what happened to Liam when he died. How do you process the loss of a pregnancy that you only knew about for four days when you’re still grieving the baby you held two months before? What is the purpose of a pregnancy in which there may never have been a baby? How do I balance the relief of finding answers with the fear of knowing those answers mean I’m ill?Read More