Sometimes I imagine a conversation with God that I’ve never physically had, but because He knows what I would say, we may as well have.
I say, “God, I want a baby, please. I’ll do anything for my baby.”
And He says, “Okay. I have the perfect little boy for you waiting for a family.”
I say, “Great! I’ll do anything for that to happen!”
And He says, “Okay. He needs a mother who will carry him so he can recieve a body.”
I’m nodding eagerly. I’m thinking that’s what I’ve always wanted.
“And he needs a mother who will watch him go.”
And now I’m confused.
“He needs parents who will endure when he dies after just a few weeks in his new body. He needs parents who can receive the bad news and stay close together. He needs a mother who will deliver his body even though he will no longer be occupying it. He needs parents who can withstand the grief and pain of missing him while they remain on the earth, so they can continue towards the Celestial Kingdom to be with this little boy again. He needs parents who will love him through all of this.”
I imagine my mouth has dropped by now.
And He says, “Do you still want this baby? If you’re willing to do that, he’s yours. But that’s what this baby needs. It’s up to you to decide. If you aren’t up to it, that’s ok. I’ll give him to someone else. But I know he would be perfect for your family.”
Of course God knows I’m going to say yes. That’s why we have never actually had this conversation (that I know of…). He knows what I would say, so he’s giving me what I would have wanted. I just never knew I’d have the strength to do it until I had no other choice.
Now that I’m thinking of getting pregnant again, I’m getting really scared. I’m not sure I want to go through that again knowing what I know now. Knowing happiness isn’t guaranteed at the end of nine months. And knowing being pregnant again will never bring Liam back, even though it was how I brought him into the world the first time. But I don’t want to be scared. That’s not fair to my second baby. I want to be everything I was for Liam for this next baby, too…
“God, I’d like to have another baby.”
“Okay. This baby needs a mother who will carry her so she can receive a body. I know that will be hard for you now. She’ll need lots of attention, and it will make it difficult for you to find time to grieve. But she also needs wise parents who will love her, and I know you’d be able to do that.”
And I said it before, and it would be a lie if I didn’t live up to it now.
“I’ll do anything for my baby.”